


Beach Dysphoria Blues

by KeroZombie



Category: Zombieland Saga (Anime)
Genre: Female Friendship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Humor, Light Angst, Lily is slightly OOC but not too much, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, slight saki/sakura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-27 00:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20750948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeroZombie/pseuds/KeroZombie
Summary: When Franchouchou visits the local beach, Lily starts to have second thoughts about wearing a bikini. Saki tries her best to help out, but subtlety is not her strong suit...





	Beach Dysphoria Blues

I know Saki-chan stole this swimsuit for me and everything but there's just no way I can wear it. I'm not worried about the makeup washing off (we're all covered in Tatsumi's shoe spray). It's... well... you know... _that_.

"C'mon Shrimpy, let's get in the changing room and put these bad boys on," Saki-chan says, smacking me on the back.

"I can't."

"What do you mean you _can't?_"

"I can't do it. I don't think I should."

"You couldn't wait to strip off and try it on yesterday, what's changed your mind now?"

"Don't worry about it. You guys go in the water without me. I'll sit on the beach."

The other girls all turn and look at me with concern in their eyes. Ugh, great... now I'm creating a fuss. If I'd just been born a girl this'd be so much simpler. I look up at Tatsumi. His expression is unreadable as always. Without saying a word he ushers the others into one changing room and locks himself in another, leaving Saki-chan and I outside. I can't tell whether he's trying to help me or avoid me.

"I saw the glint in your eyes when you found that swimsuit in that fancy store, Shrimpy," Saki-chan continues, "you're letting all this trans shit get in your head!"

"Shh!" I hiss, "not so loudly, or people are gonna realise what you're talking about!"

"Sorry, sorry," she whispers, "but just, look, it's not even that tight down there, see?" she takes it from my hands and stretches it out in front of me, "Nothing's gonna show."

"You're not helping."

"What do you _want _me to say? You've never turned down a chance to wear a cute outfit before."

I stare at the sand beneath my feet, my hands wringing the hem of my skirt, "I've never actually worn a swimsuit... not out on a beach like this. Normally I can hide everything under lots of frilly clothes."

"Well there you go! It's a frilly swimsuit, ain't it? So you'll be fine. Come on."

I keep my eyes locked on my shoes. Saki-chan sighs.

"Look," she says in a low, mellow voice, kneeling down so we're the same height, "I understand you being afraid. I mean, I don't like, _get _it, but I get it, you feel?"

"I don't think you get it at all."

"I get that you don't wanna be the odd one out. Am I right?"

I can feel her breath on my cheeks. She's way too close right now.

"I mean, I guess," I reply.

"Exactly."

"No, not _exactly_, Saki-chan! It doesn't matter if I'm with you guys or on my own or whatever. I _am_ the odd one out. I'm not like you. Nothing can change that."

"No, no, no. I know where this is going and you can fuck off with that bullshit."

"It's how I feel!"

"I know you don't mean that Shrimpy."

"You don't know anything! You didn't even know I was... I was..."

I can feel my eyes getting wet. I don't wanna cry out here in public like a baby, but the tears are coming. I don't think I can stop them. Where did all this dysphoria come from all of a sudden? I was doing so well. I almost felt like a real girl.

"I didn't know what? That you were such a god damn worrier? Yeah you're fuckin' right I didn't. You should be giving me a verbal ass-whooping by now, Lily. What happened to all your guts?"

Did she just call me by my name? She didn't say Shrimpy, right?

"I'm not taking no for an answer, girl," she continues, resting a hand on my shoulder, "you're gonna get in that changing room with me, we're gonna put on these sick swimsuits, and we're gonna look hot as all hell on the goddamn beach, _together_. You got that?"

When I see her smiling at me, feel her hand on my shoulder, for a moment my chest feels totally empty and light. All the tension in my body sinks down into the sand. I nod in agreement. Saki-chan was never this cool before. Why can't she be like this every day?

"Right then!" she yells, "let's get naked, baby! It's bikini time!"

Okay... that's more like the Saki-chan I'm used to.

"Kickety-BLAMMO," screams Tatsumi as he kicks his changing room door open and scuttles out in swim shorts, "all right ladies, don't go too far into the ocean or you might attract hungry fish."

"Yeah, yeah," Ai-chan replies as she leaves the other changing room. "Gruh, gruh," mimics Tae-chan, following close behind with the rest of the girls. They all look so cute in their swimsuits. I can look that cute too, right? I tried my outfit in the store, it definitely looks okay on me... I think. I just need to be brave enough to put it on.

Tatsumi motions for us to enter the now vacant changing rooms.

"Saki, Lily, I'll leave you to put everything in the coin lockers. The rest of you come with me, and bring the beach ball! The ocean is calling us!"

With a smirk Saki-chan says, "Aye aye, captain. Try not to sink too fast."

But he doesn't stick around to listen. By the time she's done mocking him he's already waist-deep in seawater.

We walk into one of the changing rooms together as the others pick up the beach equipment and head off to join Tatsumi. As soon as we're inside, even before the door is closed, Saki-chan starts tearing off all her clothing.

"It's been too long since I swam in the ocean!"

"Saki-chan, the door!"

"Oh shit, yeah!"

She yanks it closed with her boobs hanging out for all to see. After checking that the door really _is _closed I start undressing as well, taking particular care to cover up the lower half of my body as I finally take off the last bits of my clothing. I watch Saki-chan intently, just in case she looks in my direction at the wrong moment, but she's so busy pulling on her own swimsuit that she doesn't even seem to notice me. I wonder if she's deliberately trying not to look in my direction, but I push the thought from my mind and start getting into my swimsuit as well.

Just as I finish putting it on Saki-chan comments, "I knew it'd suit ya!"

She's looking right at me. I can feel my cheeks getting hot. How long has she been watching?

"It... really suits me?"

"If there's one thing you do well, Shrimpy, it's looking cute."

I don't know whether to be pleased that she called me cute or annoyed that she called me Shrimpy again. I start squishing my normal clothes up into a messy ball, ready to be put in one of the lockers outside. I glance over at Saki-chan, expecting her to be doing the same, but she's already on her feet. Before I have time to react she barges the door open again with her shoulder and steps out onto the beach.

"My body is READY!" she says to no one in particular.

I poke my head out of the changing room. No one's nearby, thankfully. I step out, open one of the lockers, and bury my face in it. I don't have to worry about being stared at if I can't see who's staring at me. But no one should be staring. It's not like I usually get stares. I mean, I'm cute. Now I'm a zombie I can be cute forever. It's fine. I just need to relax. Relax, relax, relax...

I push my clothes into the locker then swing the door shut. You have to put a 100 yen coin in to keep it locked.

"Saki-chan, do you have some yen for the lockers?"

"Hm?" she says, looking back at me over her shoulder, "Oh yeah, Shades did tell us to put everyone's shit away, didn't he... did he give us the money?"

"I don't think so."

"Hmph, of _course _he didn't."

"What should we do?"

"Fuck it, we'll just take it all down to the beach. We've got a beach towel, right? Not like anyone's gonna steal our clothes if we dump 'em on there."

"But-"

"Don't worry Shrimpy, I'll do the heavy lifting. You just carry your own stuff and I'll take the rest."

"My name is Lily! _Lily_."

Ignoring me, Saki-chan collects up all the clothes into a boulder-sized pile and squeezes them against her chest. The mess of clothes is so big it covers her face.

"That bastard owes me one for this."

"Can you even see where you're going?"

"I got Sakura's dress sitting right on my eyelids."

"I don't think that's safe."

"Nothing fun is ever safe, Shrimpy. Live a little."

"If you just folded them up first it'd be a lot easier to carry."

"Not happening."

"But-"

"Nope."

I try to convince her to let me carry some but she refuses to hand over even one sock. So, with me carrying my clothes and her carrying all the rest, we wander down the beach together. Somehow having Saki-chan and her clothes-mountain beside me makes me feel less exposed. I look down at my frilly swim skirt. It really does hide everything.

"It's gonna be okay," I mutter to myself.

"Huh? What did you say?" Saki-chan asks loudly.

"Uh, nothing! Oh wait watch out for that-"

"FUCK! GOD DAMN IT!" she screams as she smacks all five toes on her left foot into a mossy rock. The pile of clothes teeters in her arms. I cover my face with my hands, expecting the worst.

"Ungh, _man_ that hurt. Gonna be feeling that for the rest of the day."

I don't hear anything falling into the sand. I open one of my eyes. Somehow everything is still where it should be.

"You didn't drop them!?" I say in amazement.

"What, _these_? Of course not. You can't fall off your bike just cos some guy threw a knife at ya. What kinda pussy do you take me for?"

"Lily-han! Sakura-han!"

I turn around. It's Yugiri-chan, sitting under a parasol next to some castle-shaped plastic buckets. I didn't even notice her there

"Yugiri-neechan!" Saki-chan cheers, "Why aren't you in the water?"

"I thought I'd take in the view from here instead."

"Fair enough, whatever floats your boat! In that case, mind if I dump these off here? Shades didn't give us the yen for the lockers."

"Not at all. Be my guest."

Saki-chan unceremoniously drops the clothes in front of Yugiri-chan then rests her hands on her hips.

"Glad that's over. Now I can finally get _wet_."

She gazes out at the ocean. Everyone else is already in the water, playing catch with a beach ball. My heart starts beating faster. I can't shake that feeling, in the back of my mind, that I shouldn't be here.

"Hey Shrimpy," I hear Saki-chan say, eyeing me up with her usual grin, "you look great! I knew you would."

"Thank you Saki-cha-"

"There's no _way_ anyone's gonna see your dick in that outfit, so don't worry!"

"SAKI-CHAN YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THINGS LIKE THAT! Oh my GOD!"

"It's a compliment!"

"I was so nervous about it and you were being so nice and now you say _this_?"

"Sheesh you're in a funny mood today!"

"Are you even listening!?"

"Of course I am!"

"No you're not!"

"I am! Anyway look, I'm gonna join the others now, but just believe in yourself okay? There's no shame in being a girl with a dick."

"Saki-chan I'm gonna _kill_ you!"

But my rage falls on deaf ears, as Saki-chan is already running full speed towards the ocean.

"Oi Sakura! Get those tits ready cos I'm comin' in hot!"

"Eeee!?" Sakura-chan cries as Saki-chan flies through the air towards her. I watch as they both tumble screaming into the water. Yugiri-chan laughs.

"She's an energetic girl, isn't she?"

"That's one way to describe her."

"She means well."

"She's annoying."

Yugiri-chan doesn't respond to that. She just smiles, silently watching the others mess around in the sea water.

"Don't you want to join them?" I ask.

"Not yet. It's nice just to watch. Besides, I was waiting for you."

"For me? Why?"

"I had a feeling you might want company."

"...because of what I said earlier?"

She lights up a cigarette.

"I used to know a woman who was much like you."

"Really!?"

"Yes. She was a lot older than you, of course. She must've been in her late twenties, or maybe her thirties – I never asked. She used to be a samurai, a male samurai, but had cast everything off and abandoned her duties in search of becoming a courtesan. It was unheard of for someone to give up a position as prestigious as Samurai to work in the water trade, let alone to do so as a completely different gender to what they were before. It was all anyone could talk about. She'd been to every tea house in Kyoto, but they'd all turned her away – or so the rumours went. The mistress at my tea house, which the ex-samurai _hadn't _visited, warned us not to entertain her if she somehow snuck in. Of course, I completely ignored her warning."

"So the samurai did sneak in?"

"No, actually I met her in the street after I'd finished working. I often got male attention, so when I noticed her staring at me from the down the street I didn't think much of it. But as I got closer to her I could feel something was different. There was hunger in her stare, yes, but it was of a completely different nature to what I'd seen before. I stopped right in front of her and asked, 'Would you happen to be the samurai everyone's talking about?'"

"That was bold of you."

"She was completely taken by surprise. Of course I was correct in my assumption. After some talking I agreed to teach her the ways of a courtesan. We couldn't do it where I worked, so we did it at her house instead. Every night I visited her, taught her how to dance, and play the shamisen, and of course I taught her how to use makeup and tie her hair as well, although her hair was a bit too short at first."

"Wow. That's incredible Yugiri-chan!"

"I'd never used my skills in that way before, but there was something about her... like an unrefined diamond. Now matter how much her appearance seemed to deny it, she always looked like a courtesan to me - because that's what she was. I would never have been able to see her as a samurai. The last time I visited her before I died, she really looked just like any other oiran. We went through a whole routine together... well perhaps not a _whole _routine, but we did singing, dancing, and performed a tea ceremony, and she did it all perfectly. I never had a child of my own, but in that moment... I think it was the first time I ever felt like a real mother, even though she was much older than me. She'd become a true courtesan. I was so proud of her."

I feel something wet on my cheek. As I rub it away I realize I'm crying.

"Lily-han?"

"Haha, I don't know why I'm crying for. Must be the wind from the sea or something, I'll just-"

Then Yugiri-chan's arms are wrapped around me. I bury my face in her shoulder.

"It's okay to cry Lily-han."

"I just want to be a girl, a _real _girl."

"You _are _a real girl."

"No," I sob, "I'm a boy who looks like a girl. No matter how cute I am, I can't escape it."

She strokes my hair, "You have nothing to escape from."

"What do you mean?"

"You have _nothing_ to escape from. It's not your cuteness that makes you a girl, and your body doesn't make you a boy, either. The _you _we all love, the _you _we see, is right here," she lifts my head and gently places a fingertip right in the middle of my chest. My heart is beating so hard I feel like it's gonna jump out of my rib cage.

"You _are_ a real girl," she says, looking deep into my watery eyes, "every part of you is a girl, _because_ you are a girl. You knew who you were from the moment we first met. No one questioned it because there's nothing _to _question. You belong with us, Lily-han," she cups my head in her hands, "so please don't worry anymore."

I wrap my arms around her neck and give her the biggest hug I can muster, "Yugiri-chan..."

She holds me in her arms for a while. Then, when I feel that my eyes are finally dry, I pull out of the hug and say, "I think I'm gonna join the others now."

She smiles, "Have fun. I'm gonna sit here and watch a little while longer."

"Thank you Yugiri-chan," I say, looking out at the ocean.

She doesn't reply. I walk out from under the parasol and breathe in the sea air. I'm completely exposed, but it's not so scary any more. Even the wind that blows my swim skirt around, revealing my bikini for all to see, doesn't make me nervous now.

I'm a girl. I belong here. I have nothing to be afraid of. I take another step forward, then another. Finally the waves are at lapping at my feet. I really did it... I beat the dysphoria.

Then a beach ball smacks me across the face.

"Sorry about that Shrimpy!"

Saki-chan waves at me, grinning from ear to ear.

"You wanna die?!" I roar, but it only makes her burst into laughter.

I pick up the ball and start running towards her. I stomp through the water, till it's almost up to my neck and I'm forced to swim. The ball slips out of my hands and starts drifting off towards Tatsumi, who's doing a backstroke. Saki-chan stands there watching me struggle towards her.

"I _told_ you!" I yell as loudly I can while struggling not to sink into ocean, "my name is _Lily_!"

I grab onto her waist and climb up till my body's wrapped around her head.

"Hey, what the fuck!?" she cries, but she can't stop me as I drag us both down into the sea. We tumble in and out of the water, pushed around by the waves as she tries to pry me off of her face, till finally I lose my grip and fall off onto the dry sand of the beach.

"Damn, Shrimpy," Saki-chan says, her head right next to mine, "that was pretty hardcore."

"Are you two okay?" comes Sakura-chan's voice.

"Yeah I'm fine," I grumble.

Then Tatsumi leans over me, blotting out the sun.

"Hmm," he begins, "You were right, that's a nice outfit Lily."

Well this wasn't how I planned to be complimented on my outfit... but you know what? I'll take it. I'll call that a success.

"I think I felt your dick on my nose for a second back there in the water, Shrimpy."

Scratch that. When Saki-chan is six feet under, then I'll call it a success.

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up at 1am with this idea going through my head and I was so tired that I couldn't get any more work done on my 'From The Ashes' story that day. So I wrote this instead! I think getting dysphoria out of nowhere is perhaps a bit OOC for Lily but I tried to make it as in-character as possible. Let me know what you think :)


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